Physically I'm back. Our "stuff" is here. We are slowly unpacking our lives again into a new place. Trying to pick-up from where we left off but finding that to be semi hard. Life is just different again. Both of us making changes to how we do things individually and as a couple. Eric is trying to find a job, always a lot of work and frustrating. He has been really working hard at looking and I am really proud of him for that.
Mentally I don't think we are really here yet. Still feels like a long weekend on vacation. Life has not totally gotten back to normal yet, whatever normal is. For some reason I feel less settled now then in all my years of moving. We added it all up and in the last 8 or 9 years I have moved 15 times. This moving thing should be a piece of cake, but for some reason I feel like I am having a hard time finding my feet under me and feeling like we are actually here.
I'm back at work, the infodesk. Doesn't feel like much has changed but at the same time everything has changed. Or maybe it's just that I have changed. I forget how much time has passed. It's been almost a year and a half since I have lived here and sat behind this desk. I'm married now. My last name has changed. Which I'm not use to people not knowing me by married name now. We are expecting a little one the end of November. So much living and so many milestones have happened in the last year.
Maybe it feels like I am taking a step back by being here. I feel ready to be in a congregation. I want to be settled. I find myself missing the familiarity of the routine that Eric and I had.
Internship always seems like it will be simple. Move for a few months, learn, and come back to continue where you left off. But it's not like that. For that year people became our family and helped us grow as people and as a couple. For a year we shared our lives with people. A very formative point in our lives as we were newly married. And for a year we were really close to good friends. Many good friends. We were close to a place that both of us knew well and we didn't have to rely on the other.
So I still feel like I am here but not yet. I feel like this isn't really reality yet. Not really a dream but not really reality.
2 comments:
If it helps...I just found a slip from my church down here from a year ago. I remember writing it and what I wrote shocked and scared me. I had been here for 6 months at the time and wrote,
"I feel in limbo - at a church but not 'my' church; I have a camp feeling; no real roots; am I kidding myself; I still feel like I'm from the cities; an Apartment = temporary; Is this what I really want? I have no purpose. I could disappear and it wouldn't make a difference."
Obviously I've gotten over most of that. Keep in mind this is going to be a tough year. Your life is continuing to change and this school year is just a hoop to get through until you can get settled and start your real life. One more move and you'll be where you want to be.
Sending you a big hug - the real thing coming on saturday.
Aww.. thanks.
It's good but hard to find things that you wrote even months ago. But it's always nice to look back and know that we have grown in some way, even if it is small.
Really looking forward to seeing you this weekend. I have that print from Edith at our place.
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