Reevaluate

Have you ever had one of those days that nothing big happened but everything seems wrong and everyone seems against you, yet not.

I'm having one of those days. And I'm having a hard to explaining to myself, much less to others. All the little things seem to be one big thing that is weighing me down tonight.

Today was one of those days that felt like I was just missing the mark. Like everyone was playing a different game then me and I haven't learned the rules of the new game yet. I'm playing, but yet not getting it. I was the odd man out, the one who couldn't get the hang of the game and everyone around me saw it and new it.

I think this state of there but not really stinks the most. It's because you can't quiet put your finger on why you feel the way you do... you just know that you do. You can't point to one or many things that are bothering you or bringing down your day .. you just feel that way.

Senior preaching on these types of days doesn't help. Being pregnant and people having their opinions don't help. I honestly didn't spend much time on my sermon. I didn't have time in all honesty. Plus I am so relational when I preach I can't just make stuff up and preach to a paragraphed situation that does not exist. So I just did something to get it done. One down and two to go.

So tonight my aim is to get a good nights sleep. To do what I am capable of doing and letting the rest go. My aim is to shut out the world for a few hours and hope that I am in the game tomorrow, or at least have a better sense of the rules. My aim is to be able to let things go and to be okay with who I am and where I am. That the choices I have made are good for me and my family. That I don't have to justify those decisions to anyone or make excuses. My aim is to be okay with letting others know that I am happy that I am having a baby. Just because having a baby would not be their choice and it is not something they would want right now... it is something that I want and am so excited for. My aim is to be true to what I want and not to allow others to bring me down and not for me to dumb down my feelings.

So tonight I reevaluate life... and maybe become a little more selfish. A little more cynical. A little more rough around the edges. A little more protective of what I want and who I am. Or maybe that is my hope.