I found out last night that I'm not as strong as I would like to believe I am. I would like to think that I can take on the world and accomplish anything I set my mind to. Does this come from the way we were raised. Kind of the name it and claim in mentality in schools.
There has already been moments in my life which i have felt like what I wished for wouldn't happen or that I wasn't good at something. I think the first time I experienced this was my sophomore year of HS when I didn't make the VB team.
As I get more and more into adulthood I realize that there are things which I am not good and will never be good at and that's okay. But why is is so hard to be okay with that sometimes.
What got me thinking about this is my idea that I can not only be good at everything but that I'm okay by myself. That I can manage life without people and without having to rely on people. That relying too much will somehow lead me to ultimately getting hurt or disappointed.
I find myself talking myself into being okay with Eric not being around. And during the week I do a really good job. Life is crazy anyhow and I have the idea that if I just fill up my days I will be okay and never realize the lack of time with him or friends for that matter. Last night when I was thinking that I would get some good alone time in and relax...but I was lonely. I really missed him and just being here. I found myself realizing that I'm not okay being all alone. That no one is okay all alone. It's not about having an Eric in your life but a friend or two or five. I miss him because he is my best friend. I depend on people and that's okay. That's even a good thing.
1 comment:
You show amazing maturity in this post. Not that you aren't mature, it's just most people your age aren't always.
Lonliness sucks and we, especially us with the upbringing we've had, are really good and working through lonliness by filling the time with other stuff (good or bad). But when it hits, when it truly hits that being alone isn't always what it's cracked up to be can hurt. I have had literally painful moments when I've realized that being alone isn't what I want for the rest of my life.
But overcoming that and working through that is rough. I believe that though you may be a little lonely now, you are never truly alone. Soon you'll have Eric around ALL the time and be wishing for those few precious moments alone. :) well...maybe not.
I miss you. I miss our talks. When will you be here again?
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